Almost Exposed

That awkward moment when you realized you said a little more than you should have!
BLUEMEM #2: That dreaded day in Kindergarten

     In Kindergarten, I had the best teacher. I still remember the first day I ever seen her. She was really petite, had bright icy blue eyes,  blond hair styled in a short bob cut, and the most angelic face I have ever come into contact with in my life. I guess all her features seemed to mesmerize me because I live in a predominately black and hispanic neighborhood and features like hers was something you only seen on the television. Her name was Ms. Bernstein and despite the conditions of my overcrowded elementary school, she made waking up and coming to class everyday something to look forward to. 

During class time, I was always one of the students that participated as much as could with class activities. I remember looking at other students that always had to stay in from recess for misbehaving and thinking that I refuse to be one of those people. If I would ever choose to be mischievous, like when I took the book that someone else wanted from the book shelf right before their hand could get to it or skipping in front of someone in line so that I could get the last slice of pizza for the day, I would make sure not to get caught. In my opinion in my beloved teacher’s eyes, I, Shanna Williamson could do no wrong :-D. That title, the goody two shoes, which I held on to with much pride was almost taken away from me one afternoon.

One day our teacher was upset with the class because the class as a whole was a little more disruptive than usual that day. As a result of the whole classes’s behavior, I remember that we all were being punished and our punishment involved us ALL being forced to stay in from recess. Now, I didn’t think it was really fair to have the whole class punished when the whole class was not being disruptive. I loved reading my pop up books as much as the next five year old, but definitely not during recess! Anyway when my teacher left us in the classroom reading while she went to go use the bathroom, I chose to vent about my frustrations with her harsh punishment to some of my classmates sitting around me. One of my classmates decided that she was going to tell our teacher everything that I had said. I begged her not to but she was pretty adamant on what she was going to do. I felt stuck and as soon as that student turned away from me, Ms. Bernstein walked back into the classroom. I didn’t know how to tackle the situation that i had just placed myself in so I did the one thing that any kindergartner would do when they feel helpless; I CRIED! Thankfully once the student that was ready to snitch on me saw my tears she decided not to tell on me anymore. In Scott Rosenberg’s piece “Putting Everything Out There,” he suggest that “In the end we’re each going to find the compromise between sharing and discretion.” Well that day in Kindergarten I definitely found the compromise between sharing and discretion with the students in my class(especially the one that wanted to snitch on me!). I decided that from that day forward that “Putting Everything Out There” is not always as liberating as it may seem.

Left CLueless

BLUEMEM #1-When I asked them why?, “because he overdosed” was their reply
 HE OD'D! As if a nine year old was really supposed to understand what that acronym stood for! My sisters told me that he Over Dosed on drugs. I wasn't exactly sure what that meant, but I was aware of the fact that he was not going to come back. He left for college with a bright future ahead of him only to send a dark cloud back through my front door with the news of his death. I didn’t want it to be true and dealt with the pain by watching old videos of him. He was so happy; always laughing, dancing, and playing with his dog. He always invited me over to his house and we even shared the same favorite color. Did I mention that he was great at solving problems? He could find out the answer to any riddle, any mystery, he was a real investigator! I mean he could sit in his chair for no more than 30 short seconds and figure out anything with a given set of CLUES.

                 The shock of his death really took a toll on me. School kept me busy during the daytime but once I got home I didn't know what to do with myself. My sisters had little to no sympathy for me. They would constantly remind me of his death whenever they had the chance and got great joy out of seeing me cry and run to my mother's room. My mother didn't seem to care that much about his death either. She would just dry my tears and angrily tell my sisters to stop provoking me.(BUT of course they never stopped!). I felt so alone in the world; I lost a good friend and no one seemed to care.

                 It took me a long time to a come to terms with his death, but once I was able to do so, life became a lot easier and joyful. Looking back at it now, I guess I can understand why my sisters chose to provoke me so much or why my mother always seemed so nonchalant about the situation. I was essentially creating a huge fuss over an actor on a children's show that in reality was not really dead; Steve from Blue's Clues. In his piece "An Introduction to the Blogs," Barlow argues that humans prefer their real lives no matter how limited or bad it is over the "second life (a virtual world that mimics real world living)." I disagree with this idea because had I been exposed to another life that would have allowed Steve from Blue's clues to live and continue to be in my life, I would have surely preferred to devout most of my time to that world.  I personally believe that when faced with a decision most people like to choose the option that makes them the most comfortable.  In my life during the time when I thought Steve was dead I know I would have opted for the life with him rather than without.

     

         

                         R.I.P. STEVE 

You left me to solve my own problems in the world; you left me clueless. Even though your not really dead, I really did believe you were dead for a long time. You bring back nothing but blue rose memories.

Your Friend,

    Shanna